Is it possible that I have Teflon in my poop? Lately when I go, there’s nothing to wipe. Nothing at all. Is this even possible?
Concerned but oddly happy.
Dear Teflon Poo,
I’m no doctor, so take this with a grain of salt, but sure, why not? By the way, what are you on?
Teflon is a strange substance. According to the Environment Working Group, heated Teflon pans can begin to release toxic particles at 464 degrees F, and toxic gases at 680 degrees F. If, by some odd chance, you are bending over forward (near the pan) and buck naked whilst cooking, say, an omelet without the overhead fan on, I suppose it’s within the realm of possibility that you could get Teflon particles on your bunghole. I doubt, however, that it would find its way up your poop chute and into your poop unless you were somehow “helping” it.
As for there being nothing to wipe, try:
1. turning the lights on so you can see.
2. being happily amazed at your toilet paper and tree savings, as well as the reduction of your carbon footprint.
3. considering the possibility that you may actually be dead, thus all of your bodily fluids have already exited your corpse.
4. considering yourself rectally enlightened.