February 11th, 2015

This is not poop

Many things are poop, but some things are not poop. Witness:

No, “Birthing” is not the new poop.

No, “Crowning” is not the new poop.

Politics, or some aspects of it, might be poop though.

Just so you know.

June 26th, 2014

HealthWorks brings you a handy poop reference guide

Ever wonder about the texture, quick facts, and Six shades of poop? Well, HealthWorks thought you might. Know thy poop.

January 8th, 2014

Researchers conclude that dogs poop in alignment with Earth’s magnetic field

For centuries, humankind has pondered the towering question of anterior/posterior direction dogs point whilst pooping upon the land. Finally, after 24 months and 1,893 dog poops, twelve researchers have resoundingly answered this daunting mystery, and the much admired PBS powers that be have noted it on Newshour.

According to the study, dogs poop in a north-south pointing axis. Oh how great it is to know, though one commenter was quick to point out that her dog always poops in an east-west orientation. Read all about doggy doodle direction.

An in-depth examination (or brief perusal, really) of the study reveals a photo of a dog squatted down in pooping mode, ostensibly because people reading the study have not seen dogs poop. An “Ethics Statement” near the end notes that, “The study did not involve any disturbance of the animals under observation,” but one wonders if the dog in the photo might have been a bit concerned about the photographer standing behind it taking the [cheap] shot.

January 3rd, 2013

Handy poop emoticon keyboard shortcut

A friend was kind enough to teach me a poop emoticon keyboard shortcut which will give you an instant pile o’ poop – with eyeballs – right on your screen. Instantly, the thought of poop staring back up struck fear right into my imagination. Upside down and inverted, poop emoticons loosely resemble skulls (or aliens). Ironic, no? Just type :poop: + Enter during your next chat session (confirmed to work on Facebook), and you too can enjoy instantly sharing poop with your friends.

poop pyramid

Look into my eyes.

September 27th, 2012

Google Poopi logo

One could not help but notice Google graphic faux pas, Google Poopi, today. The negative spaces in today’s unique rendition of the Google logo pretty clearly spells “Poopli” or “PoopI:”. And those spaces are colored just like poop to boot. With the colon there (no pun intended), it appears to indicate the “Google Poopi” is whatever you enter in the search bar.

I love those special Google logos. Don’t you?

Google Poopi

See the Google Poopi brown type in the negative spaces?

P.S. Happy Birthday Google.

March 26th, 2012

Casper the poop time-bomb

So, I’m in the locker room, and I hear some dude a couple rows over whining to his bud that he hasn’t been able to dump for over five days. He’s so worried about it, he can’t stop himself from talking about it. His buddy is starkly silent, uncomfortable? yea. Says he’s stopped eating, except when he can’t stand it anymore. Says he’s petrified of doing anything now because he has no energy. I look down the isle, and yea, he’s rail skinny and white as a ghost. He makes it worse by wearing white everything. He could be Casper.

I’m like, “Dude, I don’t mean to but in, but you were kinda loud, and well, you know, you need to eat more, that’s all. Just eat like a pig and drink a ton of water and coffee or tea, and it’ll happen for ya. Think of yourself as a can, man. Just pack it in the mouth end, and eventually the other end pretty much has to open up. It’s not like it’s going to come back up and out your mouth.”

He looked at me like a scared animal, eyes gelling over with something like hate or wariness. I don’t know. How does someone become scared of pooing? Oh wait, I don’t want to know.

“A can?” he asks.

“Or whatever, I don’t know. A poop time-bomb, if ya like,” I say.

I can see his eyebrows crumple from two rows down, perplexed. The corners of his mouth turn down. I’m not making light, just trying to offer practical perspective. He seems kinda pissed, yet also seems to know I’m right. Sheepishly, a “thanks, man.” I’m soooo outta there with, “Yeah, good luck,” sorta sorry I piped up. Locker rooms suck.

October 4th, 2010

Letter to PoopSoup: Why am I sleep-pooping? And what’s up with short toilets?

Note of fair warning: The video below starts out funny, progresses to being on the gross side, and finishes up hilariously.

Reader “Sleepy” writes:
Sometimes I wake in the middle of the night to find myself in dire need of a toilet trip. I leap up and stumble my way to the bathroom praying I’ll make it – I ran into a wall one night and a door another, but I always do get there one way or another so I can experience an unnatural birth of a vile substance custom made for a good flushing. Why doesn’t this happen at a normal time of day? By the way, what’s up with short toilets? Are they just for kids?


Dear Sleepy,
Um. Oh my. Our non-expert team of non-physician, non-experts have no idea, but maybe you have a super high metabolism and it’s always rarin’ to go go go. Maybe try more fiber during the morning? As for short toilets: Yeah, for kids I think. And toilet-trained cats.

Now for some real entertainment, check this vid. You gotta watch this to the end for true comic payoff (it’s short).

September 1st, 2010

A seemingly applicable T-shirt

In my inbox, I just spied a T-shirt featuring a swell illustration of dog sniffing cat butt, titled, ‘I Like You.’ And if it’s not enough for you to see this phenomenon occur in real life, you can purchase a print of it for 18 buckaroos or garnish your idevice too.



June 22nd, 2010

Letter to Poopsoup: Teflon in my poop?

Dear Poopsoup,

Is it possible that I have Teflon in my poop? Lately when I go, there’s nothing to wipe. Nothing at all. Is this even possible?

Concerned but oddly happy.

Dear Teflon Poo,

I’m no doctor, so take this with a grain of salt, but sure, why not? By the way, what are you on?

Teflon is a strange substance. According to the Environment Working Group, heated Teflon pans can begin to release toxic particles at 464 degrees F, and toxic gases at 680 degrees F. If, by some odd chance, you are bending over forward (near the pan) and buck naked whilst cooking, say, an omelet without the overhead fan on, I suppose it’s within the realm of possibility that you could get Teflon particles on your bunghole. I doubt, however, that it would find its way up your poop chute and into your poop unless you were somehow “helping” it.

As for there being nothing to wipe, try:
1. turning the lights on so you can see.
2. being happily amazed at your toilet paper and tree savings, as well as the reduction of your carbon footprint.
3. considering the possibility that you may actually be dead, thus all of your bodily fluids have already exited your corpse.
4. considering yourself rectally enlightened.

April 4th, 2010

Primordial tail tale

The scene was my dark, dank basement, morning time. Setting up shelving, squatted down over a box of useless computer crap. Rats once patrolled here, two of them, leaving rat drops everywhere. I cleaned and cleaned, but you can’t clean everything. So I’m squatted over this box figuring out how best to throw all of it out when a feeling grips me with the urgency of a bad Sarah Palin comment, rings me to the core, forces a leg-clenching I’ve not before experienced. I wonder as I am running up the damned dusty stairs in this awkward-asscheek-clenching manner: WTF caused this? ‘The green tea, coffee and chocolate’ my racing mind answers, swearing never again. Last time I saw anyone bolt to the bothroom like this was a crooked plumber, involved in a strange twist of fate, who deserved such badness. So I made it to the bathroom, but gripped by a fear of residual ratness on my hands being anywhere near my rectal orifice, I commenced washing them, thinking I should find my reading glasses so I could read on the can because I hate wasting time, but ever aware of the primordial tail parting my reluctant ass cheeks, and praying it did not touch the morning’s fresh long underwear. Forget the book. Barely dried my hands in time to slam my pants down to the floor and release the basterd into its rightful resting pool of waiting water, thankful for the killer timing of everything.

[Editor's note: This would not have made the cut were it not for the close proximity of rat droppings, Sarah Palin, and poo.]